To The Lover Who Suffers

Dear Beautiful You,

I feel such gratitude. Here is where I am. Here is where you are. Here is everything.

The feelings in me are much more loose. The moments are moving together, and I’m really now not sure what time is.

I want the whole world to know my love, but in a much quieter way than I’d been thinking or planning. Somehow, the world is waking up. And I am at the center of it. And I can feel you here too.

I may not have sex again. Or, I might have riotous lovely heart-shattering sex with you one day and make a baby. I have no idea. In my heart, there are no “no’s”…there is nothing black-and-white. You said you want there to be no ambiguity, but, love, that is all there can ever be, even in the most seemingly “sure” moments. All relationships, all moments, all things and states and beings are ambiguous. Everything is the way Buddha has said it is.

There has been a shift in me. I cannot have a partner now; I cannot have romance; I cannot have sex and outward movings. I need to serve myself first; I want to love myself awake. I’ve procrastinated, and now is the time for action.

I can feel the purpose of my life, finally, finally. The feeling of the purpose used to come and go, but now it is here to stay.

I know you are sad. I know you are suffering.

There are no mistakes here. In Opening Love, I had written of it: about how there are no mistakes. At that point, it was all still somewhat conceptual. Still, somewhat, not fully sunk into my very bones.

But now I know: There are no mistakes. …There are no mistakes! None!

It’s all an adventure, my love. It’s all new, in every moment. No one to judge; no one to punish. And only ourselves to love.

To the lover who suffers, if it is by the grace of the Universe that you have found these words, please know that we will speak again. My heart is still full of you. My heart will always be that way. We may be friends, we may be sisters, we may be spouses, we may be spiritual companions—I don’t give a shit about labels. We will take it day by day, and be true to the truth.

Labels never could work for us, could they?

There is a love in me that cannot be explained, for you. That is the truth. It is sex (life energy), it is friendship, it is family, it is the deepest I’ve ever gone on a shared journey of two.

Please allow this time of silence, my love. Please go within. Don’t cling to me and don’t look to me for answers. I cannot meet you now. Please, let this time do its work with you. Let it heal you, as its healing me.

Be present. Never give up.

 

With All My Beating Heart,

Anya Light

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