beautiful Matt Kahn, and his beautiful partner Julie
I don’t remember the first time I heard his name. I know it was at least a few years ago—maybe two, or even three? I do remember, however, the first moment Matt Kahn captured me.
Yes, it felt as intimate and intense as that: a capture. Suddenly, my life was insane. Turned upside down and all amuck. Here, here was the Eternal Now, and here, here was seemingly no choice in the matter. We were together. Me and Matt. Matt and me. He had infiltrated my spiritual journey, somehow: lifted me, exposed me, and touched me to my very core… I wasn’t sure whether to scream and run or, simply, fall.
Yes, I remember well the first time my heart stopped its normal beatings and there was nothing but space and time and love between us. I remember the moment well. It was summer 2015. It was a day late in the summer; some leaves were already turning. The birds, my friends, were already beginning their yearly meetings by the river: go or stay? Fly, or wait? The mood was shifting. Hanging.
I remember that, prior to that day, I had been watching some of his videos fairly frequently on Youtube, dropping in and out of his teachings with varied levels of interest. I remember feeling ambivalent about his teachings on topics such as angels and ascended masters. (Was this dude too New Age for me? Was he a scam artist? Some sort of charlatan?) I remember being downright hostile to his teachings on monogamy. And I remember thinking that the main practice he taught—of saying “I love you” to my heart—seemed rather childish, silly, and overly-simplistic. However, I also remember being inexplicably drawn, again and again, to his present, twinkling eyes and to his uncanny sense of humor. He was the spiritual equivalent of Jack Black! He was hilarious! He didn’t take himself or the spiritual game too seriously, and I loved that.
Yes, I remember well the moment…It is late summer. September. The trees are beginning to lose their leaves and the squirrels are beginning to move more quickly. I have just returned from my first book tour, in Europe. I am seated comfortably with my lover on the couch. Back in Ohio. Suitcase mostly unpacked at my feet. I loved the trip, but I am happy it is over. There is a feeling of rest in my bones. Yes, now I am ready to resume normal life.
This is the moment. I remember my lover on his laptop, seated at one end of our blue couch; I am on my laptop at the other end of the couch, listening with headphones. I remember my legs were stretched out across the couch and that sometimes my toes touched my lover’s thigh. I remember the moment. I remember being enthralled by Matt’s video about soul contracts. I remember so much resonating with the message that my body began to vibrate in a way that made me wonder if I was going to fly right up off the couch! I felt weightless, ecstatic, one hundred percent tuned-in.
Towards the end of the video, then, I remember the impossible happening. Matt turns to me, looks into my eyes somehow, through screens and doors and a thousand lifetimes, and he says, quite distinctly, into my heart:
I remember gasping, pausing the video, running out my front door, down the wooden stairs in my bare feet, standing in my backyard under the full moon, tears streaming down my face. I remember the holy silence. I remember the courage. I remember my heart beating. I remember Matt’s love, all around me.
And I know what to do. I know what he means by “leave.” On this night I make plans to move to Puerto Rico, a choice that radically alters the course of my life forever. It is in Puerto Rico that I will do my heaviest purging and releasing. It is in Puerto Rico, the island of magic, darkness, and Santería where I will meet my fate. It there I will journey alone, shedding layers of victimhood and fear that have been plaguing me since childhood. It will not be easy. It will be hell, actually. But it will be necessary.
…Since then, since that moment in September under the full moon, it has been a steadily-progressing love affair. Me and Matt. Matt and me. More and more, I’ve come to accept his teachings and feel at a very deep level that there is no better teacher for me at this time in my life. Since that moment on the couch, I’ve come to surrender, more and more, to the feeling of rightness that I feel in my body when his words pass through me. I trust my body. I trust my heart. I trust myself.
I now do the “I love you’s” daily. It no longer seems corny or simplistic. It’s actually become one of the deepest, most profound practices in which I’ve ever participated. Indeed, I love you has become my standard, go-to first response in times of stress, sadness, and crisis. If I wake up in the middle of the night with insomnia: I love you. If I eat something I’m not proud of: I love you. If I miss a writing deadline or sleep past my alarm: I love you. If I lose a lover: I love you. Whatever arises in my life, beautiful or ugly, I intend for “I love you” to be what naturally arises. I heal myself this way. I heal as I never have before.
Saying I love you has not only become my favorite mantra to say to myself, it has also become what I most love saying to others: regardless of whether to a person I’ve just met or a long-time lover. Matt has given me permission to love, love deeply. And, in the long run, my intention is to allow the distinction between self-love and love for the “other” melt. There is no seperate other; there is no seperate me.
It’s all me.
The past few months have been really intense. And I’ve heard that the same has been true for other lightworkers, healers, empaths, and positive changemakers on this planet. It’s an intense time. So much is happening. So much growth and change.
I feel like I’ve aged many lifetimes in just the past couple of months. I lost the only relationship that ever inspired me to want to have a child. I visited an intentional community, Twin Oaks, where I learned so much about sharing and how to treat our planet with love. I changed my last name to “Light,” in honor of my lightworker path. And, a few months ago, in early November, I realized, once and for all, that Matt is my primary spiritual teacher. It finally dawned on me, after listening to him for years, that he is the teacher of my heart, the one I’ve been yearning for.
As I write to you today, I have a wish in my heart…
May all beings find their teacher, their true master, the one who helps their soul blossom.
…And, until then…
I love you.
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