How many times have I passed my neighbor on the street and failed to smile because I was too lost in thought? How many times have I judged my family? How many times have I not been there for my friends when they really needed me? How many times have I kissed my lover yet my mind was elsewhere?

I am not living in a fully enlightened state. The reality is this: Even though I am a spiritual guide, a teacher of love, and a lightbearer of a heart-centered consciousness on this planet, I often still fall into dark moods. I am often still anxious. I can tense in a crowd. I can sweat when I speak in public. Sometimes I freak out about not having enough money. Sometimes I fall into despair when I am criticized. Sometimes, I rage and scream, overcome by all the feelings I feel from the collective, unable to do anything but lock myself in my bedroom and beat a pillow for hours.

I feel. I feel so much.

Awakening for me was not some Big Event. I have not experienced what happened to folks like Eckhart Tolle or Sadhguru—folks who just, out of the blue, popped fully into Presence and never went back.

For me, awakening is a constant process. I have to work at it, daily. I have to challenge myself, remind myself, keep remembering.

And it seems there is a part of me that is seeking. Seeking for what? I don’t know. When I logically consider this, I wonder whether my seeking is part of the reason for my not having reached the abiding sort of enlightenment I desire…and, yet, I don’t want to blame this seeking. I accept that I am here now, in this seeking state, for a reason. There are no mistakes; no errors in the universe. Maybe I am seeking so that I can write to you right now and help you through some questions. Maybe it is so that you, beautiful particular you, can hear me and understand me and bond with me in this particular moment. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am following the way of the heart. I respect the whispers and nudges of my own heart, even when they speak what is not seemingly logical. For now, that is what is happening. Falling into the heart; surrendering to the heart. Teachers like Matt Kahn have helped me with this.

And, I breathe. I breathe, knowing that, one day, I won’t go back…I won’t ever again fall back into the forgetfulness of separation.

I’m breathing. Keeping my heart open—or, as open as is possible. Knowing that it will come. Doing my best to be patient and appreciate what is Now.

And what is Now is a process. A slow, daily journey. I come in and out of the enlightened state, and I gradually can rise into higher and higher vibrations of consciousness. Sometimes, even, I reach states of bliss that are inconceivable to craft into words. Am I in the fifth dimension, or maybe the seventh or tenth? Who knows? It happens sometimes when I am cooking, writing, or walking out in nature. Picking mushrooms. Or during Reiki or while sharing deep sacred space with others. I have tasted moments of pure bliss, pure freedom, unbounded by thought and unhindered by limits such as yes and no. All that my heart contains in those moments is a connection so pure, so divine, that time is nothing and I forget my name. What’s a calendar? What’s a clock? What is there left to do?

For me, today, it feels good to say to you: “I am not yet fully enlightened.” It feels good to be honest about where I am. In a world where pretenses are the norm and people hide their challenges, it feels good just to say it.

What does your awakening journey look like? I’d love to read your comments.

Love this post? Awesome! If so, you might love Opening Love, Anya’s book about navigating the challenges and ecstasies of intentional relationships.


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